Weekly News Round-Up With JB

In the news this week,

Nottingham’s very own human battering ram Paul Daley is rumored to have signed a six-fight contract with Strikeforce. MiddleEasy.com broke the story earlier today and reported that his first opponent will be “Cyborg” Santos (the Schwarzenegger version, not the Loken one) in what promises to be a virtually guaranteed KO Of The Night either way. This is of course if MiddleEasy.com’s source holds up and, if I may be SLIGHTLY cynical for once, despite them claiming that their source is “very reliable” I would say that the hindquarters of a bull is also “very reliable” when it comes to delivering shit. Pinch of salt, apples and pears and all that.

Another fighter that will be seeing the inside of the Strikeforce cage soon is Ryan Couture who you might remember from that incredibly bullshit fight against Sean Bollinger earlier this year. Don’t remember? Gawk at this then, I’ll wait.

Finished? Yeah, apparently those refs haven’t heard of technical submissions. Anyway, he’s also the son of The Natural himself, one of the most recognizeable fighters in the world, which I totally don’t think Strikeforce will play up for publicity at all. In all fairness this could end up being a good move for the kid who certainly has good pedigree but knowing businessmen I can already see them setting the scenario up:

UFC, the great Empire of MMA with it’s bald, pale leader (emperor if you will) who delights in the failures of the smaller, upstart organisations – some might call them Rebels – and claims to forsee the downfall of these to unify the world under one organisation. He even has a recognizable and aging warrior who is kept alive and battle ready by means of… a robot suit… ok, this doesn’t make sense but stick with me.
Now when all seems to be lost, suddenly, a young man appears who possesses some of the power that this aging warrior has and after meeting a small green midget (Cofield I guess) and finding out that the aging warrior is actually his father… ok, so it’s basically Star Wars they’re going for here. Hey I never said this story would have a payoff, did I?

In other, slightly more confirmed news, Manny Gamburyan has been confirmed as the next victim of Brazilian Lumberjack (because he chops his opponents down. Yeah, roll your eyes but Mauro Ranallo wishes he could come up with that) and arguable pound for pound great José Aldo. This can at first look kind of odd but then again, at this point, no one looks good when matched up against Aldo who’s last fight basically resembled a diminutive Marvin Humes shin-kicking a very muscular baby for 25 minutes.
This is where I say that Gamburyan has serious power and if he connects it could be lights out and fair enough, he does have ridiculous power. However he also suffers from the crippling birth defect known to us in the business as “midget arms”; his arms are short, son! What I suspect is that the fight will end up being much like Aldo’s last one, only this time the baby is Armenian and sports a beard (like any Armenian child then, ha ha, racist undertones).

Also in the news Impact FC has managed to come off as worse tossers than an amputeé in a seedy Thai massage parlour by not paying their fighters. While this is a huge dick move I can’t help but be reminded of the old Mel Brooks movie The Producers in which a failed Broadway producer and his accountant attempt to put on the worst Broadway play of all time as part of a scam. Am I saying that Impact FC can be compared to Springtime For Hitler? Hell no, Springtime was actually entertaining. Still, if my theory holds up we might see the promoters’ names on Cage vs Cons.

Yes, Cage vs Cons (seamless seague, no?) is a new event created by the twats behind Felony Fights and is yet another show aimed at having MMA pass as entertainment for drunk fratboys inbetween sessions of online gaybashing and making poorly shot amateur porn. The concept, in all its glory, is to have convicted felons fight against professional fighters in an MMA fight with “No gloves, no rules”, something I’m sure the athletic commission is going to love. Also, I’ll have to correct my earlier statement as the event has not yet materialized anywhere outside the creators’ incredibly thick skulls!

"Seeing how Warmachine is in prison we figured we could use him as a mascot. What do you think?"

Hopefully we’ll be spared this atrocity but considering the crap that’s already on TV don’t be surprised if you see the entire supporting cast of Oz duking it out on the tube very soon…

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